Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Sorry, the Ides of March always gets me worked up. So does Vehicle by The Ides of March (hopefully hyperlinks are working, otherwise you are just going to have to look it up.) Of course, my poor brain has since combined the two and now Julius Caesar is the famous stranger in the black sedan (chariot?) trying to rizz (thanks Oxford Dictionary, I’m still using your gift) up Cleopatra. I’m the Reckless Gastronome and sorry about my headspace, it’s a real mess in here. The reason I’m so fixated on the ides of March is because even though Heinz Pickle Ketchup was announced in November of 2023, it wasn’t until the ides (no, I’m not going to tell anyone what day the ides are, I’m trying to get Oxford Dictionary to sponsor me, which I’m sure is a real thing and not a fever dream I had) that I finally found it in a store. I’ve been going around various condiment aisles for months looking for this. I mean, I’ve done other things too, I’m not that monomaniacal (upon having my so-called friends and loved ones read my rough draft, I have been informed that I am).
Since I’ve already gone over the history of pickles in my Pickle Ice Cream review, I might as well tackle the international game of telephone that is ketchup. The oldest references to ketchup date to 300 BCE in China and it was a fermented paste of fish entrails, meat byproducts, and soybeans, similar to the garum of Roman Empire (I’m really pushing the “how often do you think about ancient Rome” meme), that was called “koe-cheup” or “kê-tsiap” or any number of other spellings because Chinese characters don’t line up with Roman alphabet. From China it made its way through their trading partners to Malaysia (kicap), Indonesia (kecap), and the Phillippines (couldn’t find what they called it). Eventually in the late 17th century it became known to European traders and colonists, with the Dutch calling it “ketjap” and the British calling it “catchup.” The British especially prized this new sauce. Now I could make a joke about English cuisine, but to be fair (which I rather not be) any condiment that can survive travel in the era of wooden ships is going to be a hit. Trade with Asia being remarkably slow (wish.com and temu not being invented yet), it didn’t take long before they appropriated developed their own take on it (I’m only kidding, whether food can be appropriated is a discussion for another day), with the first English language recipe being from Eliza Smith’s The Compleat Housewife (stop hassling me spellcheck, this was before standardized spelling) published in 1727. This early recipe called for vinegar, white wine, anchovies, shallots, lemon peel, horseradish, a mélange of spices and a note to add “the clear Liquor that comes from Mushrooms.” This sets off a ketchup arms race with mushroom (Jane Austen’s favorite), fish, and walnut being the most popular.
Then in 1812 a Philadelphia scientist named James Mease developed the first official recipe for ketchup using “love apples.” Not only was it difficult to pin down a spelling for catsup (a spelling first used by Jonathan Swift, who probably modestly proposed it as a topping for Irish children), even tomatoes have gone through numerous names. Which brings us finally to the 500lb red gorilla in the room (who can sleep wherever he likes). In 1876, the Heinz company finally released their groundbreaking new catsup (they quickly changed it to ketchup). The truly innovational new recipe featured tomatoes, distilled vinegar, brown sugar, salt and various spices. The distilled vinegar was a huge key to its success, not just because tangy is an oft overlooked flavor, but since tomatoes rot quickly, it was now possible for one company to ship the sauce everywhere. They even pioneered the use of glass bottles so consumers could see that it hadn’t spoiled. Since I’ve already gone into way too much detail about the history of ketchup (is anyone still reading at this point?) I might as well answer the question of should ketchup be refrigerated after opening. The official answer is yes, but the unofficial one is unless your ketchup has been open for months, its probably fine, just look into the clear bottle if it’s gone bad. Unless you bought ketchup in a red plastic bottle, in which case you don’t really deserve good ketchup.
Anyone still with me? The research kind of got away from me. I guess pretending to be a journalist has gone to my head. So now let me pretend to be a scientist (later on I’m going to pretend to be a cowboy, but that has nothing to do with this.) How does one evaluate a condiment? I could squeeze the bottle directly into my mouth, but then I run the risk of looking like the world’s sloppiest vampire and nobody actually eats ketchup like that (I hope.) No, I shall use French fries and to give myself a variety of styles, I decided to source them from Arby’s. Between the enhanced surface area of the crinkle fries and the seasoned flavor of the curly fries, truth must surely lie. Also, I tried it on a hot dog, but I forgot to photograph that, whoops.
To quote the uncanny Beast, “oh, my stars and garters,” this is absolutely exceptional! Ketchup has never been my favorite condiment. Before getting married, I bought bottles that would last me for years. (Yes, I kept it in the refrigerator.) The sour vinegar was nice, but the mild heartburn I get from tomatoes kept it out of my top five. This ketchup may get pushed up all the way to number three behind chimichurri (my personal version of my family’s recipe) and mayonnaise (which I refer to as “sandwich-lube”, a kenning that horrifies my friends and family.) What makes this sauce so good is the extra dimension of flavor it adds. Regular ketchup is primarily an umami taste with a lesser degree of sour and sweet. Heinz Pickle Ketchup is equal parts umami and sour with a slight hint of the bitterness of cucumbers. I also feel like the onion powder which is present in both versions is more prominent in the pickle ketchup. To put it in terms that more people will hopefully understand, it tastes like a center bite of a fast-food dollar menu hamburger (I’m aware that they probably aren’t a dollar anymore, but my world view shattered when they weren’t 49 cents, so just let me have this.) The special ingredient is acidified cucumber juice, which I imagine is a technical way of saying pickle juice, especially if you don’t use it to make pickles.
As for my “scientific” testing with the French fries (and hot dog) let me give you, my findings. Test Group C (for crinkle cut) turned out great. The surface area grabbed more ketchup and really let it shine. Then we have Test Group C (for curly) wasn’t as impressive, since the pickle ketchup hid much of the seasoning from the fries. Finally, there is Test Group C (the hot dog, because it was the third one I tested) which was a surprise hit. It had all the flavor of ketchup and relish without the huge mess that trying to put it on a hot dog invariably causes. Plus, you don’t get relish chunks in your beard, which is a concern for all my readers (yes, including the female ones, I’ve been alerted that they have taken to wearing a fake beard while eating to fully get the Reckless Gastronome experience.)
So if you are still here after my long-winded rambling, Heinz Pickle Ketchup is amazing. I only wish that it was easier to find (I have finally started seeing it in other stores, but it’s still uncommon), and I wish it was sold in sizes larger than the puny 13.5oz bottle. While I hope this becomes the next permanent evolution of kê-tsiap, I suggest everyone stocks up now just in case. Don’t worry, it’ll keep.
By Martin Peyruc
Found (after an insane amount of looking) at Walmart
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